Morgan's solution to being so exhausted her head wouldn't stop spinning...
The kids thanking Henry and Bonnie after the show.
This fall, my 7-year-old, Morgan, has been working her little tush off as a cast member of the North of Boston Arts Center's production of an original musical - "The Tale of the Oysta" - based on the music of Cole Porter and George and Ira Gershwin. The last two weeks were especially intense, given the everyday rehersals which culminated in four days of shows.
The kids had written the musical over the summer, and it was AMAZING. I was blown away by how funny, wise, joyous, and yes - lyrical - "The Oysta" was. The combination of humor, wit, silliness, and social awareness clued me into just how capable and creative our kids really are.
But the show wouldn't have happened without the two adults who gave their time - and BOY did they give a lot of it - Henry Allen, the Director, and Bonnie Rynkowski, the Producer. My daughter fell in love with the theater largely because of Henry's kindness and enthusiasm, and sobbed after the show because she "might never see him again" (fat chance).
Last night I was thinking how grateful I was for his presence in Morgan's life...and all these kids lives. There are so many people who go so far above and beyond. As we chide people more and more for "taking on too much" and "not learning to say no" it was exactly a person like that who gave my daughter the experience of a lifetime.
Hmmmmmm....
The tension between how much one CAN get done in one day and how much they SHOULD get done in one day has been building as fast as technology has evolved. As folks feel more and more cornered, accessible day and night, their resentment of the demands placed on their time grows too.
So the pendulum has begun to swing, with the exponential increase in websites, blogs, and articles devoted to “simple living.” The topic du jour is “saying no” to further commitments. It’s become the rage to “learn to say yes to saying no,” or assert that the caring thing to do is to take on less so ou can truly fulfill the commitments you prioritize.
I get it, and I agree with the movement on a lot of levels. I especially agree that it is about prioritization. It’s every person’s right to prioritize their life as they see fit. And they don’t have to justify their priorities to anyone else. If you need to spend 80 hours a week at work to make ends meet, make attending your children’s swim lessons an inviolable commitment, or go back to school, you’ve got to set boundaries and enforce them if you want to have any sanity. Hell, if you want to update your facebook status every ten minutes, organize your Tupperware, or watch 6 hours of TV a day that is absolutely your right as well.
But I'm really glad that Henry decided not to say no. I'm so grateful that - on top of his other commitments - he devoted himself to the verge of a meltdown. Because he did, about 30 kids learned about jazz and the Great Depression, about courage and compassion on stage, and about giving themselves the permission to be great.
And you reap what you sow...Henry has a devoted group of families ready to support any and all of his work because of what he's done for their kids. Likewise, if you embrace the ethic of “no,” then you need be prepared for others to say the same to you. As long as you are ok with that, then everybody’s golden. The problem comes when you say no, but you expect everyone else to say yes. I've experienced that from a bunch of "no-ers" lately.
If you guard your time jealously that should be respected. But don’t expect others to keep giving you theirs. If you’ve been practicing protecting your priorities, don’t ask me to reorder mine to accommodate you.
Because as harsh as this may sound, I believe that "saying no" can also be a euphemism for being lazy and selfish, and “simplifying” can serve as cover for those whose habit it is to suck other people dry and give nothing or little in return. Obviously, you have to say no to too many obligations or too many invasions of your time or you won't give well to any. But you also need to gut check yourself occasionally and make sure that you are giving back as much as you get from the people, causes and community around you.
I had a variety of experiences with no this week, and they prove to me how complex this issue is. One – from an old friend and mentor – was honestly stated and completely understandable and I actually agree with his choice. Another was from someone who I have continually bent over backwards to help, but who has repeatedly chosen to not return the favor in even the most minor of ways.
I just said no to someone myself…someone who has said nothing but no to me for a long time now but has always been more than happy to ask of me quite liberally. And that no was as satisfying as any I've ever delivered - and I do deliver my fair share of no's to be sure.
But I also said yes this past week – I said yes to taking on more work to benefit a friend. I said yes to a huge time commitment for my child. I also got some huge yeses, from people who offered to step up in some HUGE ways when I have my surgery.
It isn’t black and white, balance is elusive, and it’s hard sometimes to know what to do. But as a community and a country, we have to beware of constantly falling back on excuses. "It’s too hard", "I’m too busy", "life is too stressful"…a good life IS hard, it IS busy, and it IS stressful. So is building and maintaining relationships and the civic commitments we require for true happiness and a healthy sense of community.
The bottom line is that you are allowed to make the choice that’s right for you. Just don’t complain when others do the same.
And I for one, am very grateful that one local director decided to say yes.
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