Wrinkled paper.

There is a bullying exercise I think is very effective. Have your child crumple up a nice new piece of paper. Then have them try to smooth it out. Ask them to tell it they are sorry for crumpling it up. Did it return to it's original state because they apologized? Could they smooth ALL the wrinkles out so it looked like new? Bullying is like that...once you do it, you can't change the hurt in someone.

Abuse is like that too...once a child is hurt, you can't change them back.

I’ve never made any bones that this blog is as much about mothering as it is about “multisporting”. As that’s the case, I’m about to delve into some REALLY controversial territory here. But progress never gets made without dialogue. And progress really needs to happen.

In the past week, two really difficult moments entered my reality and stirred up a lot of crap for me. One was seeing this video:
http://youtu.be/Wl9y3SIPt7o

The second was a young woman I know coming to me and asking me how should could help her little 5 year old nephew, who was being abused and neglected by his drug-addicted mother. Apparently no one in her family felt that there was anything they could do about it, because he was “her son” and “she would get in trouble.” This young woman described a horrific situation to me, but then ended it with, “But maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s not that bad. No one else seems to think it is.”

The latter event brings to mind the “Joe Paterno” rule, newly installed in our public consciousness. If you don’t report a crime to the police, you are guilty of a crime yourself. But while molestation is clearly a crime, when does the “right to parent as you see fit” cross the line into abuse?

I don’t spank my children. However, I certainly lose my temper and yell. I’ve also used my hands to pick them up and carry them to time out or restrain them during an all out temper tantrum (and WOW they have thrown some doozies). I felt doing so kept them safe and was the most logical action at the time, and it was done as gently as I could. But once in a fit of temper I have swatted both of them ONE time on the butt as they ran up the stairs. It was done out of frustration and was a moment (of many) that I felt demonstrated poor parenting skills on my part.

Instead of corporal punishment and authoritarian parenting, I try to follow the “authoritative” model of parenting – expecting my kids to meet pretty high standards of behavior and performance, showing them love and affecting regardless, talking to them about our morals and values, and trying to discipline them consistently and rationally. I’ve used methods ranging from time-out chairs (worked for Sam…not so much for Morgan), going to their room (as they got older), no TV (worked in that they hardly watch any TV anymore! hee, hee), and losing other privileges (playdates, activities, parties, etc.). I’ve actually found the most effective thing is to be proactive, so now they have to earn things with good behavior, rather than assuming they have them and losing them for bad behavior. But it is, and has always been, a struggle.

Parenting is hard work. No surprise there.

But anyone who knows me knows that while my kids and I are VERY far from perfect, and I love them VERY much, I am tough on them and expect a lot. In return, given time, they usually meet or exceed those expectations. And when I mess up they forgive me, and when they mess up they are still treated with love and respect (although sometimes also with yelling…see the “me messing up part.”)

I know a (very) few parents who are able to rotate gentle, unemotional spanking in to their disciplinary toolbox, and still parent their children in an authoritative, respectful manner. And since I know just how hard parenting can be, and how different each child and family can be, I reserve judgement on their choice. I think they are loving parents and their children feel the same. Their kids feel safe and nurtured, not threatened. And in one case, I honestly wouldn’t have a suggestion for an alternative, given the behavior of the child when he was 3-5 (now he’s 10 and an incredible kid).

I think cases like those are what confuse the line between spanking and abuse though. If it’s ok for my friend to spank her 3 year old for punching and biting his playmates (she calmly and immediately did it on three consecutive occasions and then he stopped doing it…hmmmm), then why can’t that Texas judge hit his daughter with a belt?

Spare the rod, spoil the child, right? God knows, I am NOT a fan of spoiled children.

But the reality is that I have lost a couple of formerly close friends, because they either hit or allow their spouse to hit their children. I have also made two reports to DSS, both of which ended up confirming an abusive situation.

So it’s my firm belief, that the VAST majority of the time, hitting children is wrong and has negative long-term consequences. And I think there is a fairly easily discerned line between when it crosses from a legitimate if controversial discipline method to abuse.

I grew up with two parents who disciplined through corporal punishment. But only one was a (physical) abuser in my eyes. My father spanked me exactly once. It was calm. He was measured. And he was clearly sorry to be doing it. It was a clear consequence for a clear crime (I had smacked my little brother in the face). My butt was not bare and he used only his hand. I was eight years old, and he gave me one spank for each year. Afterwards I snuffled and he gave me a hug, and asked me not to hit my brothers because he hated giving spankings.

I can honestly say that I never hit one of my brothers again. But it wasn’t because of the spanking (my father was around about 20% of my childhood so he COULDN’T spank me most of the time). It was because I didn’t want to make him sad or disappoint him. He could have affected the same outcome with a sit-down conversation. But it also didn’t scar me or cause me long-term psychic pain.

My mother on the other hand…if you looked at her the wrong way you could get anything from the back of her hand across your face to a full-on beating with a belt or a wooden paddle she had cut from a 2x4. Half the time, you weren’t even clear on what you had done. In one instance, my brother (who suffers from global developmental delays) got a 10 minute beating with said paddle because he “refused” to read. I myself got a whipping with a hair brush once for getting the wrong answer on a long division problem (I still can’t do long division. WTF? Thank God for calculators…).

Here’s the deal. If you hit your child with anything more than a hand; if you make them pull down their pants or cower in submission; if you hit them out of anger; if you hit them to gain control or show your power; if you hit them because you lost control…

THEN YOU ARE A CHILD ABUSER.

You need help. You are creating more problems for your child than you are solving. If you don’t recognize this and change, then you don’t deserve to have your child’s love…and you likely won’t in the long term. To say anything else, is simply to make an excuse.

And I won’t excuse you. More importantly, someday your child probably won’t either.

It's time everyone else in this country stopped excusing you as well.

a