Constructive Structural Criticism

I have come to the realization that one of my most gigantonormous shortcomings is that I don’t take criticism well. I’m sure that is shocking to most of you. Or not.

And since I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, don’t hold your breath for that to change.

But since I am a ruminator, I have been considering what to do about the situation. Because, the thing is, unlike a lot of my shortcomings I don’t seem to be all that enthusiastic about tackling this one. Probably because – like most defensive people – I don’t think I deserve the criticism in the first place. Even if I know it’s true.

Comprende’?

No…I don’t totally either.

Anyway, here’s a sampling of what I have been criticized for over the last two weeks and my automatic mental response (note that they all involve my poor communication skills…you know that old saying that if there’s more than five people saying the same thing to you, it’s likely not them, it’s you):

1. Not picking up the phone enough to call friends (deserved I guess but I don’t LIKE to talk on the phone)

2. Giving someone the cold shoulder at a coffee shop (um…I didn’t see you, so undeserved…and seriously??? I was there because I hadn’t had my caffeine yet…so how can I see anyone? Sheesh.)

3. Not returning emails/voicemails fast enough or at all (this is true to some extent, but a) some people seem inclined to email me/call me to tell me their thoughts randomly as they occur or to “check-in” and I’m not sure what response is being solicited, b) I don’t consider chain or “informational” emails to be reciprocal communication unless the reciprocation you want is me electronically reaming you for wasting my time just so you won’t be cursed/feel guilty, c) I have the world’s oldest computer and it takes me at least two minutes per reply just to open and send an email, d) see #1 above, e) once the email gets pushed off the front page I think we can all just agree it’s a lost cause)

4. Not communicating my feelings enough (sigh…)

5. Not answering my phone (I’m a freaking introvert, OK??? Jesus…)

6. Caring too much what other people think of me (OK Pete. You got me there.)

Speaking of Pete, it occurs to me that he NEVER gets criticized by his friends, family, or anyone really except me. WTF? This is not because he is perfect. TRUST ME. He never picks up the phone or returns a phone call unless a mountain bike ride, work, or tickets to a sporting event are involved. He doesn’t even PRETEND to care what you think about him. You should see his inbox…it’s where emails go to die. He talks to his best friends once per quarter. He regularly is rude to people and gets positive reinforcement for it from people who find him “genuine.” If you DID criticize him, he likely wouldn’t even notice.

So I make up for the fact that no one else does, and criticize him nearly CONSTANTLY. Oh, and I nag him too.

I love my husband. At least partially because of everything I just said. So I asked him why he thought – just like the car comment I got at the grocery store – I seem to invite folks to share with me their perceptions of my shortcomings, especially social ones.

I should have known better.

First he said it’s because I’m ridiculously bitchy and opinionated, so unlike him I deserve it.

Then I snorted derisively, and he began to take my question seriously because he could tell it was really bothering me.

So after some thought, he decided that he thinks it’s because I’m too nice to people initially, leading them to believe I care when I really don’t. Just be rude - ahem, authentic - to people, along with their criticisms, and the ones that can’t accept you the way you are will just go away eventually.

But that’s the rub. I DO really care. I love my friends and family. I’m just not good at communicating that caring outside of crises. And that bothers some really important people to me, when that is the last thing from my intention.

I can’t think my way out of a paper bag most days, and I need to spend my limited brain cells on meeting my work and family obligations, so I don’t get much better at things I’m bad at. You know…old dogs, new tricks and such. And worse, most folks likely mistaken my genuine affection for an extroverted character, which I do not possess and never will. I could say I’ll get better at calling and emailing and texting and visiting…but I know I really won’t, and I'd rather make you mad than lie to you. Which leads to criticism…kind of deserved, but kind of not.

There was a great article in the Globe the other day on the nature of willpower. (Yes, that’s right. I read the Globe instead of calling all those mad people back.) Anyway, it discussed how willpower is like a muscle, so you can build it, but you can also exhaust it. That’s how socializing is for me. I love my friends and family. And I love to be with them. And I’m pretty good at being good to them when I AM with them. But when I’m not with them…I’m not so good at socializing with them via remote means.

Honest to God, I seriously hope that my friends understand that if they need me they can reach out to me at ANY time and I will be here for them. They just need to tell me. And it means a lot to me to try to be a contributing member of my community, even if I don’t totally get everything right and occasionally REALLY step in it.

But the bottom line is that I’m an introvert. I’m a friendly introvert, who really likes most people, but I’m an introvert nonetheless. Talking is exhausting for me, even though it is also incredibly rewarding on many levels (kind of like parenting!). But often I’m just too worn out to go there.

So I understand the criticism…it’s deserved on some levels. But I also feel like I have the right to be loved unconditionally for who I am, just as I love my friends and family unconditionally for who they are. I don't get mad at my friends for wanting to talk on the phone instead of working out for 2 hours. And just because I’m not talking to them on the phone every night doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of them…I’m probably dwelling more on their problems than THEY do.

And I’ll call them just as soon as I come up with a bullet-proof solution.

Anyway, just writing this is ironic, because as another complaint was lodged recently, it came with the associated comment that while “you can’t be bothered to return a phone call, you seem to find the time to write a blog.”

Ok…I guess that one was deserved. So I love her anyway. And I'm still not calling her back.

a

Standing Up...And Upping Standing

My Car


Her Car

A couple of weeks ago I had an experience with a woman I know that I immediately posted about on Facebook. The incident involved her basically telling me that I should be embarrassed by the make and model of my car since she knew I could afford a better one (???). I know what you’re thinking – as an environmentalist I SHOULD be embarrassed by my car. It’s a giant Saturn Outlook that seats 7, plus 1 dog, and several bikes. It’s also a very ugly brown. However, it DOES have the best mph in its class (27-28 highway and 23 city), can get up my driveway in winter, hauls kids, dogs, bikes, and boats, and takes the associated beating fairly well. Moreover, it only has 70 thousand miles on it, so regardless of its shortcomings, it’s going to be my car for at least the next few years.

Anyway, she wasn’t interested in the sustainability of my vehicle, only in the status (or lack thereof) that it conveyed (she gestured to her giant white Lexus? Cadillac? SUV as an example of a more appropriate choice). I think she meant to flatter me in acknowledging that she believed my social standing above that of my car, however, I was neither flattered nor amused. I left at a loss for words and promptly thought of about 400 witty, scathing comebacks that I vowed to post, with her name, on my blog.

Then life got in the way, and I got to thinking (funny how reflection over time often changes my course of action ;).

Morgan has struggled a lot with some mean kids at school, and she’s watched some friends deal with much worse. As a result, she’s starting to understand that there is a pecking order, and that she – like each of her peers - has some place within that order.

My job revolves around a sport in which adults are trying to find their place in a pecking order too. Many if not most athletes care deeply about what their competitors think about them and their capabilities. A lot of people come to sport as adults to precisely because they like the clear nature of competing, ranking, and quantifiable improvement in standing, clarity that is much harder to get as a parent, a spouse, an employee, etc.

I guess the bottom line as painful as the truth may be sometimes, we all want to know where we stand in relationship to our community. And if we perceive that standing not to be good enough, we can get downright obsessed with improving it.
Even if that means bullying someone weaker or less socially sophisticated to prove yourself to the popular kids. Or overtraining to try to quality for Kona. Or undercutting a co-worker. Or spending $70,000 more than you need to on a CAR.

A FREAKING CAR!!! When children are starving...oy.

Anyway, I’m as guilty as anyone. I don’t give much of a crap about popularity, athletic success (let’s face it…I mostly compete to release the pent up emotions that come from women in parking lots criticizing my vehicular choices), or financial status. But the first time I got a grade lower than an “A” (I remember it clearly…a “B-“ in Calculus 1 with Professor Rajapa Asthagiri), I went in the bathroom and threw up.

I wasn’t puking because I was devastated by the thought of not understanding the intricacies of integrals. I was puking because I COULD NOT BELIEVE that there were people in that class who had gotten “A”s…making them – potentially – smarter than me. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten beyond that – graduating from a college where I was clearly in the bottom 50% of student IQ definitely helped – but I’m still intellectually competitive to a fault.

I think Morgan is getting it all sorted out pretty well at school, and she’s helping some friends do the same along the way, and they are helping her. It’s my job to help athletes sort it out and be happy and proud of being the best athlete THEY can be, regardless of who else races against them. And from a human standpoint, I guess both help me to see how very sad it is when someone doesn’t get it figured out, and hinges their self-worth on things so meaningless as a cars, or clothes, or neighborhoods.

So I won’t call her out publicly. Privately was another matter…as a result I don’t think I’m going to get an invitation to join the country club this year.

I don’t think I’ll be puking the bathroom over that one….

;)

a